Liverpool Tales from the Mersey Mouth - A book by John Williams

• Liverpool's alien nation A short history of discrimination
• Guernica Liverpool Manhattan Time for me to get off the fence
• There ain't half been some clever bastards The mendacious cretins who instigated the Shoah
• The scent of a conman Raising a stink in Liverpool
• Show 'em the door The Phillistines are back in Liverpool
• The fourth Grace A new addition to the Liverpool family
• Those base football players How football taught us to clock in on time
• Liverpool Maze Rainy days and Mondays
• Staying alive Travelling light
• A fundamental error Not all Muslims are terrorists
• Upstarts The smaller they are the harder we fall
• Flake An open letter to Fred 'Fruit-cake' Leuchter
• Black is not the only shade Musings on the language of racialism
• Liverpool's Big Macs what Scousers might have been called
• The world's oldest crime A male point of view of women's violation
• Be a sport Fashion for laid back athletes
• Nobody is indispensible The diminished role of men
• Trees When blossom appears to wither on the branch
• What's cooking? The debt that civilisation owes women
• Know thy self Clipping time's wings
• Once there was a way Aberfan and corporate terrorism
• Me granddad's on a preservation order Liverpool world heritage site
• You say potato I say spud
• Doctor Yes Good doctors are the norm
• Top of the world Ma A man of peace
• Like a bird on a wire I have tried in my way to be free
• The writing's on the wall Little known Liverpool sayings
• Fortress Anfield or Maginot Line? Au Revoir Gerard Houllier
• The leaving of Liverpool Adieu Steven Gerrard?
• Working on the chain gang The age of innocence
• In my life Turn and face the strangers
• Suicide is painless it brings on many changes
• Breaking down the walls of heartache The cementing of hatred
• Danse macabre

Earth is so called because God couldn't spell asylum. - Rupert McCrame

If you have a date with destiny don't stand her up.- Albert Battenberg

Be wary of miracle workers, especially if they have seriously bad acne.- Eloise Crankschaften

Cooking is something your mother did for nothing. Cuisine costs the earth.- Mordred Sidesaddle

Anybody who gets married twice is either a fool, a bigamist or both.- Eldridge McGiver

Anybody who remarries the same person is beyond hope.- Boris Brabantia

For every man with a forked tongue there is a woman ready to trap him in the cleft stick of truth.- Margaret Fluffworthy

Companies promoting Sado-Masochist products should be barred from the stick exchange.- Rory Boyle

Blood is thicker than water, so dilute it with whisky.- Rosy Crystal

We were all of us pearls before we were cast as swine- Bertrand Marmaduke

Only dum dums let others make bullets for them.- Blythe Runner

Women know their babies inside out.- Margot Gassanayre

If life was black and white then grey skies would cheer us up.- Ashley Sidebottom

When opportunity knocks don't hide behind the curtains.- Emily Collander

'I complained that I had no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet'- Confucius

'You should have asked him what he did with his old shoes'- Bertie Golightly

If you are ever tempted to buy a slimming product at the pharmacist's, first check the dress size of the assistant.- Tripitaka Nureyev

There are a million ways to die, all of them fatal.- Herbert Droop

God did not play dice with the universe.- Albert Einstein

He might have, then had six straight wins before cashing his chips!- Cornelius Crunchbunn

A bird in the hand can give one a nasty peck -Gaylord Smithers

Just because humans kill does not make us natural killers any more than we are amphibious because we swim. It is a matter of choice. Just as we choose to swim so we choose to kill. -Hector Trenchfoot

If you don't judge a book by its cover you will end up reading about the Marquis de Sade when you really wanted to read 'Of Human Bondage'.- Prospero Carruthers

We used to worry about irradiated food until genetically modified food surfaced ...but then there ain't nothin' like a migraine to make you forget a headache.- Alphonse McGinty

'Don't run after your own horse because if it is yours it will return.'- Confucius

'Yeah! Like I'm going to catch up with a horse!'- Augustus Brailsford

My body is a temple - Andreas De Ville

So is the Parthenon and that's a ruin too - Ferlin McGroogle

Whenever a successful man modestly claims that he was in the right place at the right time, you can be sure that quite often the right place was a Masonic Lodge - Ebben Floe

Life is a big enough gamble without staking it on the turn of a card - Claude 'Black Jack' Jones

Talking dirty on the telephone is aural sex - Caspar O'Rahilly

Nature provide the iron, and the fire to smelt it, but we humans make the rods for our own backs. - Claude Satterthwaite

Bars do not a prison make, you can always leave when you have finished drinking - Brendan O'Hooligan

Everybody has an embarrassing secret but they should resist the urge to confide to all and sundry about it because the people who really matter don’t care, and the people who care don’t really matter. - Giovanni Satterthwaite

The best things in life are free...but everything comes with a price. - Franklin Hebblewhite

My thanks to Tim Kelly and Brigitte C for the new look to my site

© John Williams Liverpool 1999