Liverpool Tales from the Mersey Mouth - A book by John Williams

• Liverpool's alien nation A short history of discrimination
• Guernica Liverpool Manhattan Time for me to get off the fence
• There ain't half been some clever bastards The mendacious cretins who instigated the Shoah
• The scent of a conman Raising a stink in Liverpool
• Show 'em the door The Phillistines are back in Liverpool
• The fourth Grace A new addition to the Liverpool family
• Those base football players How football taught us to clock in on time
• Liverpool Maze Rainy days and Mondays
• Staying alive Travelling light
• A fundamental error Not all Muslims are terrorists
• Upstarts The smaller they are the harder we fall
• Flake An open letter to Fred 'Fruit-cake' Leuchter
• Black is not the only shade Musings on the language of racialism
• Liverpool's Big Macs what Scousers might have been called
• The world's oldest crime A male point of view of women's violation
• Be a sport Fashion for laid back athletes
• Nobody is indispensable The diminished role of men
• Trees When blossom appears to wither on the branch
• What's cooking? The debt that civilisation owes women
• Know thy self Clipping time's wings
• Once there was a way Aberfan and corporate terrorism
• Me granddad's on a preservation order Liverpool world heritage site
• You say potato I say spud
• Doctor Yes Good doctors are the norm
• Top of the world Ma A man of peace
• Like a bird on a wire I have tried in my way to be free
• The writing's on the wall Little known Liverpool sayings
• Fortress Anfield or Maginot Line? Au Revoir Gerard Houllier
• The leaving of Liverpool Adieu Steven Gerrard?
• Working on the chain gang The age of innocence
• In my life Turn and face the strangers
• Breaking down the walls of heartache The cementing of hatred
• Danse macabre

Earth is so called because God couldn't spell asylum. - Rupert McCrame

If you have a date with destiny don't stand her up.- Albert Battenberg

Be wary of miracle workers, especially if they have seriously bad acne.- Eloise Crankschaften

Cooking is something your mother did for nothing. Cuisine costs the earth.- Mordred Sidesaddle

Anybody who gets married twice is either a fool, a bigamist or both.- Eldridge McGiver

Anybody who remarries the same person is beyond hope.- Boris Brabantia

For every man with a forked tongue there is a woman ready to trap him in the cleft stick of truth.- Margaret Fluffworthy

Companies promoting Sado-Masochist products should be barred from the stick exchange.- Rory Boyle

Blood is thicker than water, so dilute it with whisky.- Rosy Crystal

We were all of us pearls before we were cast as swine- Bertrand Marmaduke

Only dum dums let others make bullets for them.- Blythe Runner

Women know their babies inside out.- Margot Gassanayre

If life was black and white then grey skies would cheer us up.- Ashley Sidebottom

When opportunity knocks don't hide behind the curtains.- Emily Collander

'I complained that I had no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet'- Confucius

'You should have asked him what he did with his old shoes'- Bertie Golightly

If you are ever tempted to buy a slimming product at the pharmacist's, first check the dress size of the assistant.- Tripitaka Nureyev

There are a million ways to die, all of them fatal.- Herbert Droop

God did not play dice with the universe.- Albert Einstein

He might have, then had six straight wins before cashing his chips!- Cornelius Crunchbunn

A bird in the hand can give one a nasty peck -Gaylord Smithers

Just because humans kill does not make us natural killers any more than we are amphibious because we swim. It is a matter of choice. Just as we choose to swim so we choose to kill. -Hector Trenchfoot

If you don't judge a book by its cover you will end up reading about the Marquis de Sade when you really wanted to read 'Of Human Bondage'.- Prospero Carruthers

We used to worry about irradiated food until genetically modified food surfaced ...but then there ain't nothin' like a migraine to make you forget a headache.- Alphonse McGinty

'Don't run after your own horse because if it is yours it will return.'- Confucius

'Yeah! Like I'm going to catch up with a horse!'- Augustus Brailsford

My body is a temple - Andreas De Ville

So is the Parthenon and that's a ruin too - Ferlin McGroogle

Whenever a successful man modestly claims that he was in the right place at the right time, you can be sure that quite often the right place was a Masonic Lodge - Ebben Floe

Life is a big enough gamble without staking it on the turn of a card - Claude 'Black Jack' Jones

Talking dirty on the telephone is aural sex - Caspar O'Rahilly

Nature provide the iron, and the fire to smelt it, but we humans make the rods for our own backs. - Claude Satterthwaite

Bars do not a prison make, you can always leave when you have finished drinking - Brendan O'Hooligan

The best things in life are free...but everything comes with a price. - Franklin Hebblewhite

My thanks to Tim Kelly and Brigitte C for the new look to my site

© John Williams Liverpool 1999